Yeah, I know I'm going to hell for this, but whatever.
Monday, June 17, 2019
Saturday, October 6, 2018
If Book of Mormon heroes had Instagram
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| Seriously, what are those things on his uniform? They look like peppermint candies! |
All images were made here, hence why all images have 53 likes.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
LDS version of Frozen (part five)
For the first time in forever... my Frozen story has been updated! Trust me, even if you have no heart and dislike Frozen, this is a good story.
Meanwhile, in Alpine, Harold and others were helping the people in the church, making sure they wouldn't freeze to death. Everyone was thankful for Harold's act of service. Well, everyone except William.
"Harold," said William. "Are we expected to just sit here and freeze while you give away all this nice stuff?"
"Well, the bishop said--"
"Has it ever dawned on you that the bishop could be conspiring against us?"
"Don't question your church leaders! The bishop will not hesitate to excommunicate you!"
"Excommunication? What the--?"
Just then, a church member spoke up.
"I think Ashlee's in trouble!" she said.
"I'll save her!" volunteered Harold. "I need some people to help me, though."
"I volunteer two men!" said William. Then he spoke quietly to his friends. "Be prepared for anything, and should you encounter Eliza, you are to put an end to this winter."
***
After walking through a snow storm, Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf arrived at Eliza's ice castle. Eliza was happy to see them, but when Ashlee invited her to come back to church, she refused.
"I'm just trying to protect you!" she said.
"You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! Please don't shut me out again!" pleaded Ashlee. Then she began to sing.
Please don't slam the door
You don't have to keep your distance anymore
'Cause for the first time in forever
I finally understand
For the first time in forever
We can fix this hand in hand
We can go to church together
You don't have to live in fear
'Cause for the first time in forever,
I will be right here
Eliza then began to sing.
Ashlee,
Please go back home, you don't have to search.
Go enjoy your religion and open up the church.
"Yeah, but--" said Ashlee, before being interrupted by Eliza.
I know
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me
Actually we're not, Ashlee tried to tell Eliza.
What do you mean you're not? Eliza responded.
I get the feeling you don't know, Ashlee continued.
What do I not know? Eliza demanded the answer.
The church is in deep, deep, deep, deep snow, Ashlee sang.
"What?" Eliza gasped.
You've kind of set off an eternal winter... everywhere," explained Ashlee. "But you can just un-freeze the place, right?"
"No I can't, I don't know how!"
"Sure you can! I know you can!" Ashlee pleaded.
"I CAN'T!" Eliza screamed, accidentally striking Ashlee through her heart with her ice powers.
Christopher ran over to help Ashley.
"Who is this?" asked Eliza. "Are you going to marry him, too? C'mon, the church doesn't do polygamy anymore, and women never had multiple husbands!"
"We're just friends," said Ashlee.
"Never mind, just get away from here." And with that, she created a giant snow monster, who threw Ashlee, Christopher, and Elder Olaf out of the castle.
"Watch out for my butt!" said Elder Olaf.
"IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!" yelled Ashlee to the snow monster. Despite Christopher's attempts to calm her down, she threw a snowball at the monster. This only angered the monster, who chased them all until they finally came to a cliff. Christopher tied Ashlee to a rope (which was anchored into the snow) so she could get down safely... hopefully.
"Hey! Where'd you guys go?" called Elder Olaf. "We totally lost Marshmallow over here!"
It turned out that Elder Olaf was wrong and that Marshmallow was right behind him.
"Hey!" said Olaf. "We were just talking about you! All good things, all good things!"
When Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf tried to go down using the rope, Marshmallow grabbed the rope.
"DON'T COME BAAAAAAAAACK!" growled Marshmallow.
"We won't," said Ashlee. But maybe the missionaries will, she thought to herself before cutting the rope. Then they fell into the snow.
To be continued... Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures here.
Meanwhile, in Alpine, Harold and others were helping the people in the church, making sure they wouldn't freeze to death. Everyone was thankful for Harold's act of service. Well, everyone except William.
"Harold," said William. "Are we expected to just sit here and freeze while you give away all this nice stuff?"
"Well, the bishop said--"
"Has it ever dawned on you that the bishop could be conspiring against us?"
"Don't question your church leaders! The bishop will not hesitate to excommunicate you!"
"Excommunication? What the--?"
Just then, a church member spoke up.
"I think Ashlee's in trouble!" she said.
"I'll save her!" volunteered Harold. "I need some people to help me, though."
"I volunteer two men!" said William. Then he spoke quietly to his friends. "Be prepared for anything, and should you encounter Eliza, you are to put an end to this winter."
***
After walking through a snow storm, Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf arrived at Eliza's ice castle. Eliza was happy to see them, but when Ashlee invited her to come back to church, she refused.
"I'm just trying to protect you!" she said.
"You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! Please don't shut me out again!" pleaded Ashlee. Then she began to sing.
Please don't slam the door
You don't have to keep your distance anymore
'Cause for the first time in forever
I finally understand
For the first time in forever
We can fix this hand in hand
We can go to church together
You don't have to live in fear
'Cause for the first time in forever,
I will be right here
Eliza then began to sing.
Ashlee,
Please go back home, you don't have to search.
Go enjoy your religion and open up the church.
"Yeah, but--" said Ashlee, before being interrupted by Eliza.
I know
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me
Actually we're not, Ashlee tried to tell Eliza.
What do you mean you're not? Eliza responded.
I get the feeling you don't know, Ashlee continued.
What do I not know? Eliza demanded the answer.
The church is in deep, deep, deep, deep snow, Ashlee sang.
"What?" Eliza gasped.
You've kind of set off an eternal winter... everywhere," explained Ashlee. "But you can just un-freeze the place, right?"
"No I can't, I don't know how!"
"Sure you can! I know you can!" Ashlee pleaded.
"I CAN'T!" Eliza screamed, accidentally striking Ashlee through her heart with her ice powers.
Christopher ran over to help Ashley.
"Who is this?" asked Eliza. "Are you going to marry him, too? C'mon, the church doesn't do polygamy anymore, and women never had multiple husbands!"
"We're just friends," said Ashlee.
"Never mind, just get away from here." And with that, she created a giant snow monster, who threw Ashlee, Christopher, and Elder Olaf out of the castle.
"Watch out for my butt!" said Elder Olaf.
"IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!" yelled Ashlee to the snow monster. Despite Christopher's attempts to calm her down, she threw a snowball at the monster. This only angered the monster, who chased them all until they finally came to a cliff. Christopher tied Ashlee to a rope (which was anchored into the snow) so she could get down safely... hopefully.
"Hey! Where'd you guys go?" called Elder Olaf. "We totally lost Marshmallow over here!"
It turned out that Elder Olaf was wrong and that Marshmallow was right behind him.
"Hey!" said Olaf. "We were just talking about you! All good things, all good things!"
When Ashlee, Christopher, Sam, and Elder Olaf tried to go down using the rope, Marshmallow grabbed the rope.
"DON'T COME BAAAAAAAAACK!" growled Marshmallow.
"We won't," said Ashlee. But maybe the missionaries will, she thought to herself before cutting the rope. Then they fell into the snow.
To be continued... Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures here.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
How to have fun at stake dances (without getting drunk or dancing too close to people)
1. "Dance" with your imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever.
2. If the only thing they're serving at the dance is water, get all excited about drinking water.
3. Ask where the steak is.
4. If it's a themed dance, interpret the theme differently. For example, if it's a 90's themed dance, assume they meant the 1890's, or that you have to dress like you're 90. Be creative!
5. Till Hammer to as many songs as you can without getting dizzy. Even slow songs. Especially slow songs.
6. When you do get dizzy, do the Gangnam Style dance instead (the Macarena or the Chicken Dance are also acceptable alternatives).
7. If you can, teach the people you're going to the dance with how to actually dance, before the dance takes place.
8. Request that they play all your favorite songs. Or, suggest songs with inappropriate lyrics. Or, suggest that they play kids music.
9. If all else fails, make clever comments about how much the dance sucks.
2. If the only thing they're serving at the dance is water, get all excited about drinking water.
3. Ask where the steak is.
4. If it's a themed dance, interpret the theme differently. For example, if it's a 90's themed dance, assume they meant the 1890's, or that you have to dress like you're 90. Be creative!
5. Till Hammer to as many songs as you can without getting dizzy. Even slow songs. Especially slow songs.
6. When you do get dizzy, do the Gangnam Style dance instead (the Macarena or the Chicken Dance are also acceptable alternatives).
7. If you can, teach the people you're going to the dance with how to actually dance, before the dance takes place.
8. Request that they play all your favorite songs. Or, suggest songs with inappropriate lyrics. Or, suggest that they play kids music.
9. If all else fails, make clever comments about how much the dance sucks.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Mormon music artists that are actually good (for obvious reasons, Jenny Phillips will NOT be on this list)
Lindsey Stirling
In case you haven’t already heard of her, Lindsey Stirling is that violinist who dances and plays dubstep music in the background. It’s pretty freaking epic. My personal favorite songs are Shatter Me and Phantom of the Opera.
The Piano Guys
Despite what their name suggests, these guys do play instruments other than piano. My personal favorite song is “I Want You Bach” which is a mix of Bach and Jackson 5. I mean, there’s a freaking harpsichord!
The Killers
I don’t have much to say about these guys, except that Brandon Flowers is LDS and that I personally prefer their older music. My favorite song by them is “Mr. Brightside,” although “Somebody Told Me” is pretty awesome, too.
The Aquabats
These guys are epic. And they have their own TV show. My favorite song of theirs is “Martian Girl.” My favorite episode is “The Anti-Bats” because it’s pretty freaking awesome. It was also directed by Gerard Way, who might be my favorite (non-LDS) person ever, and the cast includes Mikey Way, who is pretty awesome as well. But the entire show is awesome, really.
Bonus: Gerard Way and the Hormones
Yeah, I know. Gerard Way isn’t LDS. But Ian Fowles, AKA Eaglebones Falconhawk from The Aquabats is LDS, and he’s part of Gerard’s backing band, The Hormones.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
The church's position on marriage revisited
Since the Supreme Court recently legalized gay marriage in all 50 states, this topic is extremely relevant.
The church has always taught that marriage is between one man and at least one woman, but fairly recently, we decided that marriage between one person and at least one "righteous" inanimate object (e.g. the scriptures) is perfectly acceptable as well. Of course, in order for these marriages to last for eternity, they must be married in the temple. The church is never going to change its position on marriage, even though we stopped practicing polygamy when it became illegal. Now we strongly oppose polygamy and even use it as an example when arguing that legalized gay marriage is a slippery slope. Many people think we hate gay people. That is false, and anyone who says that is trying to censor our righteous opinions. All we want to do is prevent them from being equal to straight couples under the law* because our way is obviously better. But they're trying to take away our religious freedom**, and that's bad.
Author's note(s):
*Personally, I think the government should get out of marriage altogether, but as long as marriage licenses are a thing, I believe gay couples should be included.
**If you disagree with homosexuality for personal or religious reasons, you have the right to your own opinion and you should be able to live according to your beliefs, so long as you do not use violence or force against others. Even though I will criticize your decision, I will not force you to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple.
The church has always taught that marriage is between one man and at least one woman, but fairly recently, we decided that marriage between one person and at least one "righteous" inanimate object (e.g. the scriptures) is perfectly acceptable as well. Of course, in order for these marriages to last for eternity, they must be married in the temple. The church is never going to change its position on marriage, even though we stopped practicing polygamy when it became illegal. Now we strongly oppose polygamy and even use it as an example when arguing that legalized gay marriage is a slippery slope. Many people think we hate gay people. That is false, and anyone who says that is trying to censor our righteous opinions. All we want to do is prevent them from being equal to straight couples under the law* because our way is obviously better. But they're trying to take away our religious freedom**, and that's bad.
Author's note(s):
*Personally, I think the government should get out of marriage altogether, but as long as marriage licenses are a thing, I believe gay couples should be included.
**If you disagree with homosexuality for personal or religious reasons, you have the right to your own opinion and you should be able to live according to your beliefs, so long as you do not use violence or force against others. Even though I will criticize your decision, I will not force you to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
An update on that cartoon about the 90's themed stake dance
If, for some reason, you liked the old one better, the original is still up.
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