The church's position on marriage revisited

Since the Supreme Court recently legalized gay marriage in all 50 states, this topic is extremely relevant.
The church has always taught that marriage is between one man and at least one woman, but fairly recently, we decided that marriage between one person and at least one "righteous" inanimate object (e.g. the scriptures) is perfectly acceptable as well. Of course, in order for these marriages to last for eternity, they must be married in the temple. The church is never going to change its position on marriage, even though we stopped practicing polygamy when it became illegal. Now we strongly oppose polygamy and even use it as an example when arguing that legalized gay marriage is a slippery slope. Many people think we hate gay people. That is false, and anyone who says that is trying to censor our righteous opinions. All we want to do is prevent them from being equal to straight couples under the law* because our way is obviously better. But they're trying to take away our religious freedom**, and that's bad.

Author's note(s):
*Personally, I think the government should get out of marriage altogether, but as long as marriage licenses are a thing, I believe gay couples should be included.
**If you disagree with homosexuality for personal or religious reasons, you have the right to your own opinion and you should be able to live according to your beliefs, so long as you do not use violence or force against others. Even though I will criticize your decision, I will not force you to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple.

An update on that cartoon about the 90's themed stake dance

If, for some reason, you liked the old one better, the original is still up.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: The Word of Wisdom teaches that tea, coffee, alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs are unhealthy. Marijuana is legal in my state. Does that mean the Word of Wisdom allows the use of recreational marijuana?
A: Unfortunately, no. But it will be allowed once marijuana is legal in every state.

Q: I know we shouldn't watch pornography, but is it okay to read pornography?
A: *Facepalm*

Q: I take that as a no.
A: Exactly. Now go burn every copy you can find of Fifty Shades of Grey. Even copies that don't belong to you. Replace them with pamphlets about healthy relationships. NOW.

Q: This is getting awkward. Can we change the subject?
A: Sure.

Q: Does smoking count as breaking the fast?
A: Regardless, you shouldn't be smoking.

Q: Why do people use the term "sacred powers of procreation?"
A: Because they're too prude to say "sex." Next thing we know, they'll talk about the Israelites being delivered out of unusual behavior...


Author's note: Aside from the advice to burn copies of Fifty Shades of Grey that belong to other people, I was actually making a point about something very serious. Although the LDS church teaches that we shouldn't have premarital sex, it is important to know that the most serious problems with pornography are about exploitation and unhealthy messages about consent.

What young women want in a husband

What the Young Women want in a husband:

• "Someone with a strong testimony of the gospel. Also, he has to be a returned missionary. Bonus points if he looks like Channing Tatum." --Rachel, age 17, Georgia
• "Someone who doesn't have leprosy." --Janet, age 14, Wisconsin
• "Anyone, as long as he's part of One Direction." --Emma, age 12, Washington
• "I want a husband who isn't addicted to pornography. Unless, of course, it's that Cure album." --Elena, age 16, Oregon
• "I want a husband who respects my privacy. So... working for the NSA is a deal-breaker." --Julie, age 15, Washington DC
• "Anyone, as long as he's LDS." --Ashlee, age 13, Utah

A little break from that LDS Frozen story...

LDS version of Frozen (part four)

As Ashlee and Christopher were on their journey, they bumped into a snowman.
"I'm Elder Olaf," said the snowman. "And I like to share the gospel."
"Wait," said Ashlee. "Aren't you the snowman that Eliza and I built as kids? Or rather, the snow missionary?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know how to get to the North Mountain?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you know where Eliza is?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I'll tell you why," said Christopher. "We need to bring her back to the church."
"Church?" said Olaf. "Oh, I don't know why, but I've always loved the idea of church, and the gospel, and all things spiritual!"

People pray, kids'll brighten up your day,
And I'll be doing whatever snow does
In the church.
A book in my hand, my snow up against the chapel pews.
Prob'ly learning of the good news
In the church.
I'll finally hear that awesome story about Noah's ark and the storm,
And find out what happens to solid water when it gets warm
And I can't wait to be an awesome missionary!
Just imagine how much cooler I'll be
In the church.

Da da, da doo, ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, boo
The hot and the cold are both so intense
Put 'em together, it just makes sense
Ratdadat, dadadadoo
Outside's a good place if you like getting in trouble.
But put me in the church and I'll be a... happy snowman!

When life gets rough I like to hold onto my dreams
Of relaxing in the summer sun, just letting off steam
Oh, I'll sit in the pew, and you guys'll be there too
When I finally do what frozen things do
In the church!

"I'm gonna tell him that snowmen don't go to church," said Christopher.
"Don't you dare!" said Ashlee. "His eternal salvation could be at stake!"


In the church!

"So come on!" said Elder Olaf. "Let's go to church!"
"Maybe I should have told him that we were also bringing back summer," said Christopher.

LDS version of Frozen (part three)

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
Not a footprint to be seen.
A church of isolation,
Where everyone is mean.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go!
Don't give a crap anymore!
Let it go, let it go!
Can't believe that I just swore!
I don't care
What the Mormons say!
Let the storm rage on,
The hate never bothered me anyway!
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small!
And the rules that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through!
No right, no wrong, no rules for me! I'm free!
Let it go, let it go!
I am one with the wind and sky!
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!
Here I stand,
And here I'll stay!
Let the storm rage on!
I'll never see closed-minded people make a sound!
I'm no longer with these hateful people all around!
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast!
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The hate never bothered me anyway!

Meanwhile, Ashlee was driving around in the snow, searching for her sister, when suddenly, her car broke down. Ashlee was forced to walk in the snow while wearing a dress.
Finally, she came across a store.
Wandering Orson's Trading Post and Sauna, read the sign.
"Yoo-hoo!" said Orson. "Big summer blowout!"
"You mean like a poopy diaper?" asked Ashlee. She had heard adults use that word when talking about dirty diapers.
"No, I mean like a sale," he said.
"Okay, that makes more sense," said Ashlee. "But for now, I need boots and a jacket."
"That would be in our winter department," said Orson.
There wasn't much in their winter department, but it turned out to be exactly what Ashlee needed, in her exact clothing size. Ashlee was asking Orson if he had seen Eliza, when suddenly, a man named Christopher walked in. He was tall and muscular, and covered in snow. He said he was headed up to North Mountain. Christopher picked up some supplies and was about to buy them until Orson told him how much it cost. They began to argue about the prices. Orson finally told Christopher that it was Sunday, and he threw him out of the store.
"I'm sorry about this violence," he said to Ashlee. "Just the outfit and the boots, yes?"
Ashlee was able to find Christopher in a stable, with his reindeer, Sam (okay, it was really a dog, but Christopher liked to pretend it was a reindeer). She ordered him to take her up the North Mountain.
"I don't take people places," he groaned. Ashlee threw the supplies at him. "Okay, fine."
"So, Ashlee, what made your sister go all ice crazy?" asked Christopher as they were riding in the car.
"I got engaged, and she got mad because I had just met him that day, and..."
"Wait, you got engaged to someone you just met?" he said. "Has he even gone on a mission?"
"I'm pretty sure he has," said Ashlee.
"But what if you don't like the way he picks his nose? And eats it?"
"Excuse me sir, but he's a civilized human being!"
"All men do it."
"Ewww! Well, it doesn't matter! It's true love!"
"Wait," said Christopher. "I think we're in a bad neighborhood. I see some criminals."
They were able to get away from the criminals, but Christopher's car broke down. Ashlee promised to replace his car and all the belongings.
"I understand if you don't want to help me anymore," said Ashlee.
"Of course I don't want to help her anymore," said Christopher. "In fact, I don't think I'll help anyone ever again."
"She'll die on her own!" he said in the voice he assumed his dog reindeer would use.
"I can live with that."
"But you won't get your new car if she's dead!"
"Sometimes I really don't like you. Hold on! We're coming, Ashlee!"
"You are?" exclaimed Ashlee. "I mean, sure, I'll let you tag along!"