Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I "stand in holy places" if there's so much unholiness at school?
A: Simple. Don't go to school.
Q: Is it okay to invite boys and girls to my party even though we're not sixteen yet?
A: Of course it is, dummy! You're not dating.
Q: Some friends and I are thinking of going on a killing spree for a group date (I'm sixteen). Is that okay?
A: Yes. As long as you're in a group, it's fine.
Q: Why is dying your hair crazy colors and getting piercings wrong?
A: Because we're boring and we don't believe in creativity.
Q: Is heavy metal bad, even if the lyrics are clean?
A: Yes. Listen to good, wholesome songs. Loud music is immoral.
Q: What about those obscene pop songs they play at stake dances? Aren't those bad?
A: Don't be so sensitive. They're just songs.
Q: I have a sarcastic sense of humor. Is sarcasm bad?
A: Yes. Sarcasm is evil and you'll go to hell for being sarcastic.
A: Simple. Don't go to school.
Q: Is it okay to invite boys and girls to my party even though we're not sixteen yet?
A: Of course it is, dummy! You're not dating.
Q: Some friends and I are thinking of going on a killing spree for a group date (I'm sixteen). Is that okay?
A: Yes. As long as you're in a group, it's fine.
Q: Why is dying your hair crazy colors and getting piercings wrong?
A: Because we're boring and we don't believe in creativity.
Q: Is heavy metal bad, even if the lyrics are clean?
A: Yes. Listen to good, wholesome songs. Loud music is immoral.
Q: What about those obscene pop songs they play at stake dances? Aren't those bad?
A: Don't be so sensitive. They're just songs.
Q: I have a sarcastic sense of humor. Is sarcasm bad?
A: Yes. Sarcasm is evil and you'll go to hell for being sarcastic.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
How to annoy everyone at youth activities
- Dress up like Robert Smith of The Cure.
- If they start playing Jenny Phillips, say "seriously? The Aquabats are way better."
- If you're at a stake dance, ask where the steak is.
- If you're supposed to be quiet, shout "YEAH, BE QUIET PEOPLE OR YOU'LL GET IN TROUBLE!! LOOK AT ME, I'M BEING QUIET!!!"
- Sing "The Shoe-Tying Song" every time you tie your shoes. It goes like this:
Everybody tie your shoe, clap clap.
Everybody tie your shoe, clap clap.
Everybody tie your shoe, I don't care about you.
Everybody tie your shoe, clap clap. - When they're trying to decide what hymn to sing, suggest something by The Aquabats.
- (If you're under sixteen) Tell everyone you have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
- Every time someone says something, find some way to connect it to My Chemical Romance.
- Every time they say "hello," tell them to watch their language.
- Make really dumb jokes. Constantly.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
The church's true position on marriage
Note: I am not stating my personal views on same-sex marriage or any such issue; I'm just making a joke. Whatever your views are, don't take it so seriously.
"I always hear during church that marriage is between a man and a woman, but then when I read Teh Chum to my younger siblings, I see all these letters written from children saying that they want to marry their scriptures in the temple. So what is the church's REAL position on marriage?"
The church's position on marriage has always been that you should either marry a Mormon of the opposite gender, but fairly recently, it's been allowed to marry a "righteous" inanimate object in the temple, such as the scriptures. Polygamy used to be allowed, but we ended that practice. So basically, as long as you're not marrying someone of the same gender or, say, a computer, you're fine.
"I always hear during church that marriage is between a man and a woman, but then when I read Teh Chum to my younger siblings, I see all these letters written from children saying that they want to marry their scriptures in the temple. So what is the church's REAL position on marriage?"
The church's position on marriage has always been that you should either marry a Mormon of the opposite gender, but fairly recently, it's been allowed to marry a "righteous" inanimate object in the temple, such as the scriptures. Polygamy used to be allowed, but we ended that practice. So basically, as long as you're not marrying someone of the same gender or, say, a computer, you're fine.
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